Dear Ayden,
Can you believe this? Just a week shy from you turning a grand 'ol 3 (months that is)! The first quarter of your first year (don't worry about celebrating son, there'll be plenty more quarters where growing years are concerned)! I am sorry I took this long to write a note after your birth. Writing one while you were in me was easier la! I took nearly 12 hours (between feeding, playing, bathing & putting you to sleep) to write this!
Let us trackback to that eventful Wednesday some 3 months ago when me & ur ayah were at Dr. A's office, all excited about knowing your in utero development. The Wednesday where unprepared is an understatement. Where joy & nerves collide. Where your dad had to drive from SG to KL then to back to SG in the span of 24 hours just so he could settle & handover his works & be present at your birth & your first few days. The conversation between Dr. A, Me & Your dad went exactly like this:
Dr A: Your water is very low already lah. Not safe for baby.
Me: Is it?! Anything I can do to improve my water level.
Dr A: Best you give birth.
Me: Okay.
Dr A: You free on Thursday night?
Me: Tomorrow? Night?
Dr A: Yes. You free?
Me: Errr. Why ah? (you wanna date me is it?)
Dr A: You admit yourself to Mt. A. I'll induce baby out.
Husband: Huh?
Dr A: Ya. Water level low. Baby not moving much. So, it's better for him to be out.
BOTH HUSBAND & WIFE STILL BLUR & PUZZLED.
Dr A: You lie down now. I give you injection on your thigh to mature baby's lungs. You are not scared of injection right?
Me: (STILL BLUR) Huh?! No. (PROCEEDS TO LIE DOWN)
Dr A: Relax ah! Will be painful a bit.
ME (LOOKS ON TO THE WALL TRYING TO PIECE PUZZLES.
Dr A: Okay. Done.
Me: You've poked? Already? On my thigh?
Dr A: (To Husband) Or Friday morning la. I admit you at 8.00am, then I put u on IV drip. Break your water bag. & deliver baby. As easy as that.
Me: Aaaaaaaaa... Can ah?
Dr A: Can! Baby inside not safe with water level this low.
Husband: Ooooo.... Kay... But...
Dr A: (To Husband) Why? You not free on Friday huh?
Husband: I have to make some work arrangement. But Friday is better than tomorrow night.
Dr A: Great. Friday it is then. (SCRIBBLE SOMETHING ON MOUNT ALVERNIA ADMISSION FORM. PASS ME THE FORM)
Dr A: You go back, pack your bag. I'll see you on Friday.
ME & HUSBAND TAKES FORM, LEAVES ROOM. STILL PUZZLED. We are going to be parents, in less than 36 hours?! GULP!
Yes Ayden. You sure timed you arrival real well. We can coax you all we want to wait and come out on the same day as your Dad but you chose to please your grandma instead & come out on the day she turned 51! How nice... Saved me the hassle of buying her another jewellery. Heh!
Thus, on Vesak Day, you were born. I won't bore you with my birth story here as everyone knows about the 13 hours labour pain I went thru. The 1cm cervix dilation that just won't go any wider from day to night. The crazy contractions I wish never to feel again. The cold delivery suite. The naggy yet sweet midwife. The talkative yet very reassuring nurses. The cute doctor who made 3 estimations about your arrival timing (1st was 3-4pm. 2nd was 6-8pm. 3rd was 10pm to midnight. & all tak boleh pakai cos in the end he decided that cutting this wailing whale was the best way to go).
The night after my surgery, I woke up every hour, still groggy from my anesthesia, to look at your cute photographs, your Dad has uploaded in FB. Yes son. I saw you first on FB. Such is the power of technology. Thank you. I do want the nurses to wheel you in but I was too weak. But trust me son, that every hour I was up, staring at your photos on my iPod Touch, the feeling was indescribable. The cute, wrinkly baby was mine. The boy named Ayden Farish came out from me! I was responsible for your entrance into this world! & you're my son. You were so fair & small. I wonder if I can ever pluck up the courage to hold you when you're finally with me. I don't want to hurt you being the clumsy klutz I am. You were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You are an angel. Yes. I spouted all these while staring at my iPod. How pathetic.
When the nurses wheeled you in the next morning, all those concerns and worries were diminished. I saw you! I finally see you so perfect & real all wrapped up in a white swaddle blanket, sleeping oh so peacefully. You were indeed very small & fragile. But I have no qualms about holding you my son cos there was no way I could harm you or let anyone else harm you for that matter. You were gorgeous son. Still looking like an angel. I don't need to stare at my iPod screen anymore. I have you for real! Looking at you, I wonder how did me & your dad managed to work together on such a beautiful baby. We're just two plain beings put together while you were too perfect. I couldn't thank Allah enough for such a special gift.
Eh! Wait! I digressed so much. I thought I was to make away with my Hospital story? Sigh! What's new huh? So, okay! Delivery is over and done with. I stayed for 4 days 3 nights in Mount Alvernia. We were discharged on the Monday & my journey to motherhood began...
A trivia for you son, both your dad and I were born on Fridays too! That made the three of us, Friday babies & Fridays are known to be the best day of the week (both religiously & rhetorically)! How nice...
Motherhood wasn't fun at first. Being a sleepyhead that I am, I am not used to getting woken up on demand for feeding, cleaning and soothing. You're a little colicky. You cry everyday at 7pm, 12am & 3am for no rhyme and reason. For a good 3 weeks, your colic sure made me panic. But we rode thru that fine. Alhamdulillah.
You, my boy were always wailing in hunger. Doesn't help that my milk supply was so low I couldn't feed a bird. I'm sorry son. I read a lot. I dreamt a lot. I want to feed you my breast milk exclusively. But I failed. You refused to suckle. You lost weight. I have to supplement & I got complacent. When asked by concern friends, I'd say you have the best of both. Breast Milk & Formula. But truth is, I got tired of pumping menial amount of milk every 3 hours thus made you go Formula all the way. I won't say I regret what was done. But I am glad at 2 months, I managed to relactate and have you latched on successfully. All was not lost. I thank Him again for the second chance. Similac and you are still the best of friends but you come a looking for my boobies for dessert, supper and sleep. Better some than nothing huh!
A little while later, I got used to motherhood and begun to enjoy it. You were a happy baby since born son. Always smiling even when you can see nothing but shadows. I am glad those conversations we had while you were still in me proved to be fruitful. Life is a quagmire, but a smile makes it all better. Remember that always okay?
My life thereafter is just about you. & I am not complaining. I love pampering my son. I was so attached to you people starts telling me to lay off as I will only end up spoiling you. But you are my son. What else best can I do but to love and spoil you? I was a stubborn new mother. I refused to listen to any old age adage and trusted Google more than those naysayers. I just want you to have the best & most proper care and love. What we can't provide in material, your dad & me will complement with lots of Love and knowledge.
Fast forward to present, I am still learning about myself and you every day. About how you like your milk not too cold, but cold. About how you love sleeping on chest & nowhere else. About how you love eating in your sleep but not while awake, even so, you demand to be carried around while feeding. About how feeding you could take an hour and a half every time with you taking your time suckling. About how you hate pooping in a stained diapers thus will demand a fresh change only to poop and change again. About how you hate the air-con but despises the heat. About how you love to lick, suck & gobble your whole fist into your mouth. About how friendly & easygoing you are. To everyone (this one is not so good la son. You must not talk to strangers! Even when they look nice). About how you love to play with your Dad more than me. Pfft.
About that, I am not complaining. I love to see my two boys bond over tongue pointing & finger sucking. You are indeed your daddy's son. You will wait for your daddy's return even when it's very late. When you're too tired to stay up and sleep, you'll half open your eyes to smile at your dad when he comes home just to signal you're still waiting, with eyes closed. The bond between you both is indeed precious. I can't wait till you're a li'l older and start reading books, singing & dancing, playing games & building Legos together with your 'ol man. Precious.
I have learnt to recognize your every cry. I love how you always smile upon waking up before wailing in your loud monotone voice. I love how you would 'tell your version of the story' during our daily storytelling session. I love how you always put a smile on our face however annoyed we are with the world. We love you.
Ayden, you are so loved by many. Friends & families flock around you the days & weeks following your birth. Your grandparents adore & pamper you like you are their first grandson (Wait! You are their first grandson). Your Mamoo & Maman Fie love you like you are their first nephew (Okay. You're their first nephew. Not funny Umie). Ayah & I see you as blessing from God. The light of our happy yet once quiet lives. You're our pride. Our treasure. Your existence brings with you all the luck, joy & rezki in the world and we both promise to work even harder to provide you with a special life you so deserve.
Our first Ramadan together came by some 4 days ago. How different has a year made. This time last year, your dad & I were just us, silly two, not looking at each other, having our sahur in silence with eyes half closed. This time around, we have you! Sahur is no longer a quiet affair as you were always up to also drink your share before Subuh. Heh! & Iftar! With one hand holding your bottle, another holding a fork twirling it with pasta & my lips on the straw sipping my mango tea. I sure am a Super Momma. Heh!
With the Syawal that's coming, I can't wait to see you in your Baju Melayu in a colour that matches your daddy & me. We'll look gorgeous (I still have 10kg more to shed but I know gorgeous will I still be. Or try to be). You'll look cute.
We have many dreams for you son. Many visions for your future. Our future. Wonderful plans to colour your childhood. You are the apple of our eyes & we hope you'd do us proud as the imperfect human we all are. You're our angel, god-sent from above. We love you, son. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
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